![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
"There’s a line in "Infinite Jest" by David Foster Wallace that I used to return to often. It reads, “You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.” It helps a lot when I get stuck in my head about what others think of me. But I’ve learned that it is generally ill advised to accept wisdom from a man who killed himself when you are desperately trying to keep yourself alive. I have also learned that it is remarkably untrue.
People think of you often. They think of you fondly. They think the world of you. There are office managers and baristas that think about you. There are Facebook friends you haven’t seen in 15 years and weirdos in your building that think about you. There are dentists and high school lab partners that think about you. They would be devastated to hear the news of your death. They would mourn you. They are people that would be uncomfortable ever telling you how highly or how often they thought of you and vice versa because we live in a world that eschews intimacy and affection in favor of the allegedly “comfortable” distance we choose to keep."- Alana M
XO Jane
06.01.13
Okay, asking somebody how long they believed in Santa Claus is so stupid. You can't even consider the topic suitable for idle conversation. But if you still wanna know how long I believed in some old fat guy who wears a funky red suit, I can tell you this: I've never believed in him, ever. The Santa that showed up at my kindergarten Christmas festival, I knew he was fake. And I never saw mommy kissing Santa or anything. But I have to say, that even as a little kid, I knew better than to believe in some old man who worked one day a year.
Now, having said that, it wasn't til I got older that I realized that aliens, time travelers, ghosts, monsters, espers, the evil syndicates and the anime/manga/fantasy flick heroes that fight said evil syndicates, were also fake. Okay, I guess I always knew those things were bogus, I just didn't wanna admit it. All I ever wanted was for an alien, time traveler, ghost, monster, esper, evil syndicate, or the hero that fought them to just appear and say "Hey".
Unfortunately, reality is a hard road indeed. Yep, you gotta admit, the laws of physics definitely put a damper on things. I even stopped watching those TV shows about aliens and ghosts and stuff. Aliens, time travelers, espers; of course they don't exist, but a little part of me wishes that they did. I guess I've grown up and realized I can think about those things and still accept reality. But by the time I got out of junior high, I pretty much outgrew that kind of stuff and I guess I got used to the idea of living in an ordinary world. Just like that, I was in high school...
that's when I met her.
(a little early, but) 明けましておめでとう～！
As always, one photo, one song for each month of this year (plus - should you want it - a zip file).
(SKIP THE BULLSHIT AND LISTEN ONLINE?!)
( cut for photos. )
Have a safe New Years, guys. See you on the other side.
that stubborn thing inside of us.
Nov. 6th, 2012 10:03 pmThank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Tonight, more than 200 years after a former colony won the right to determine its own destiny, the task of perfecting our union moves forward.
( Read more... )
Tonight, more than 200 years after a former colony won the right to determine its own destiny, the task of perfecting our union moves forward.
( Read more... )
２０１２年３月１１日 ・ 揺れているのは私だけ。
Mar. 11th, 2012 11:35 pm
I initially wasn't planning on making this entry - I don't want my truly pathetic experience to take time and interest from those people who truly suffered this time last year - but I think it deserves to be said, in part because I want to discuss a truly insane tweet I may have made last night and in part because if I've learned anything in the last week and in part because I think if this journal is to stand as any sort of record of my life this particular set of experiences might as well be shared.
( i will probably regret talking about any of this in the morning. )
put on your armor.
Dec. 30th, 2011 06:29 pm
(a little early, but) 明けましておめでとう～！
As always, stolen from
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
dalton; one photo, one song for each month of this year (plus - should you want it - a zip file). This year I had some difficulty narrowing down some months to only one song, so a couple of them have more. I HAD A LOT OF FEELINGS TO BE EXPRESSED IN SHITTY JPOP THIS YEAR, GET OFF MY BACK (SKIP THE BULLSHIT AND LISTEN ONLINE?!)
( cut for photos. )
Have a safe New Years, guys. See you on the other side.
This afternoon at a little before 3 PM shocks from a magnitude 8.9 earthquake hit Tokyo. I was in the Shibuya Red Cross waiting for my doctor's appointment. They'd just taken three vials of blood for tests. My first thought when everything started swaying was that I was passing out, and that I should have eaten a sandwich or something beforehand. My second thought was, oh my god, the last message I ever send anyone is going to be a string of needle and skull emoticons.
Following the initial earthquake there have been ongoing aftershocks, one in the 7-point range. There was a 30 ft tsunami. A nuclear reactor's cooling system began to fail. So far 137 have been confirmed dead, several hundred missing. The death count is only expected to rise. This quake was worse seismically than Kobe or Kanto. It was, according to many sources, the worst in Japanese history. I can't get in contact with a friend from Nanzan who is currently living in Sendai, where the worst hit, with her husband. She's pregnant, in her third trimester. I just can't.
When the first little quake hit before the big one I held on to my chair, looked around for reassurance. An older lady sitting behind me noted to her friend, "she isn't used to it." Not in a condescending way. I tried not to cry anyway, wondered if they'd bother identifying my body if the building collapsed around us. We rode out the big one together. It went on for ages. I thought it was never going to end. Every time I thought "is it over?" a new quake started. Between two big ones I went into the ladies' room, braced myself against the wall and sobbed for what felt like hours but must've just been a few minutes. Afterwards I redid my makeup, tried to scrub away the blotchiness. Ultimately the hospital just started dealing with the aftershocks. They hit a manageable level. They called me in for my appointment, finally. My doctor didn't even express surprise regarding the quake. Maybe he didn't know. I thought the shaking was terrifying when it was happening, but there's no comparison to the video I saw later on tv. He told me my results were positive, showed me another graph. My "rheumatoid factor" is going down. He dropped my painkiller dosage, upped my anti-inflammatories, sent me on my way.
I don't think it's really possible to explain a natural disaster, what it feels like. I feel condescending saying it like that, but it's the only way I can hope to explain it. I was holding on for dear life, thinking, I've got to find somewhere to run - but where could I go? It isn't as if the hospital and only the hospital was swaying. Even outside, there'd be new things to fall and topple and kill me. There was no escape, save leaving the island. I was completely powerless. It felt like the world itself was trying to kill me. No way out. There was literally nothing for me to do but hold on, fight back tears, trust Japanese architecture and my own dumb luck and bank all of my good karma on being alive at the end of it. The quakes kept coming and coming. I kept looking to everyone in authority positions - older people, nurses, doctors, the man at the counter giving me my medicine. In the back of my head, I was screaming, is this normal? this many aftershocks? when will this stop? will this stop? But inevitably, that's not something they'd know, is it? Probably they were just as scared as I was.
I had to put off paying my bill until my next appointment because the hospital's credit card machines were down. I sat down in the hall for a bit next to an old lady and ate a sandwich. I told her, they build these places to last, don't they? She saw my hand shaking, looked like she couldn't decide whether to take it or not. She told me I was very good at seiza, instead. Eventually they started asking for volunteer ambulance drivers. I walked over there, remembered my international driver's license is in my apartment. I hopped on the bus, took it halfway to Shibuya. There were too many cars in the street, we weren't making any progress. I got off a mile or two before my stop. They'd cleared a lane on the road and let pedestrians, hundreds of them, into it, because glass from knocked-out windows had shattered onto the sidewalk. I went into a convenience store when the ground started shaking again and bought a beer. I chugged it in front of the store and then kept walking. Trains out of Shibuya station aren't running, so there were literally thousands of people trapped there. I shoved my way home, up the stairs to my apartment. Turned on the TV and started crying all over again when I saw the damage elsewhere.
This quake was worse than Kobe or Kanto. It was, according to many sources, the worst in Japanese history. But we've learned from that history, especially in Tokyo. In the end I was completely unharmed. A single plate fell off of my kitchen counter where I'd set it. It shattered easily into three pieces - no muss, no fuss. Got an email from the Center confirming that all staff and students are safe. I was completely, totally, unbelievably lucky. If they hadn't replaced all of the TV with news about the damage (which I've kept on in case of alerts) I could close my blinds and pretend that I haven't turned the heater on to save money, that I just don't want to cook with the stove. But the tremors haven't stopped even now. They say we'll have aftershocks into next week. At first I burst into tears every time I felt a tremor. Now I just start trembling. But I haven't really stopped trembling this whole time, to be honest. Every time I hear rattling I jump. I am terrified in a way I can't explain well - like the first time I saw The Ring and for the rest of the month my mind conjured up images of all the ways that could happen to me, but worse. I got two hours of sleep last night - was planning on taking a nap when I got home from the doctor. I doubt I'll sleep tonight. I think - hope - I'll get over this enduring fear. But right now it's like riding it out in the lobby of the Red Cross Shibuya, internal medicine. Holding on. Holding my breath. Reminding myself it couldn't possibly go on forever, that at some point, come what may, it had to end.
Thank you to everyone for your messages and concern. I've never been simultaneously so angry and so thankful for social networking in my life; thankful that I was able to get in touch with everyone so fast, and furious in a bitter, irrational way that in other places life goes on when I feel like mine is at a standstill, even crumbling.
None of it makes any sense. How can scanlations be coming out for series when I'm not sure if the mangaka are safe? How can the dailypixiv tumblr be running when pixiv is down? How can it be that some chick on facebook is updating about her husband giving her flowers when there are so many people who'll never see each other again? How can so many people just be made homeless all at once? How could this have happened? How can it be that there was nowhere I could have run.
Please keep my friend in your thoughts. Keep everyone here in your thoughts. I am just at a loss.
Following the initial earthquake there have been ongoing aftershocks, one in the 7-point range. There was a 30 ft tsunami. A nuclear reactor's cooling system began to fail. So far 137 have been confirmed dead, several hundred missing. The death count is only expected to rise. This quake was worse seismically than Kobe or Kanto. It was, according to many sources, the worst in Japanese history. I can't get in contact with a friend from Nanzan who is currently living in Sendai, where the worst hit, with her husband. She's pregnant, in her third trimester. I just can't.
When the first little quake hit before the big one I held on to my chair, looked around for reassurance. An older lady sitting behind me noted to her friend, "she isn't used to it." Not in a condescending way. I tried not to cry anyway, wondered if they'd bother identifying my body if the building collapsed around us. We rode out the big one together. It went on for ages. I thought it was never going to end. Every time I thought "is it over?" a new quake started. Between two big ones I went into the ladies' room, braced myself against the wall and sobbed for what felt like hours but must've just been a few minutes. Afterwards I redid my makeup, tried to scrub away the blotchiness. Ultimately the hospital just started dealing with the aftershocks. They hit a manageable level. They called me in for my appointment, finally. My doctor didn't even express surprise regarding the quake. Maybe he didn't know. I thought the shaking was terrifying when it was happening, but there's no comparison to the video I saw later on tv. He told me my results were positive, showed me another graph. My "rheumatoid factor" is going down. He dropped my painkiller dosage, upped my anti-inflammatories, sent me on my way.
I don't think it's really possible to explain a natural disaster, what it feels like. I feel condescending saying it like that, but it's the only way I can hope to explain it. I was holding on for dear life, thinking, I've got to find somewhere to run - but where could I go? It isn't as if the hospital and only the hospital was swaying. Even outside, there'd be new things to fall and topple and kill me. There was no escape, save leaving the island. I was completely powerless. It felt like the world itself was trying to kill me. No way out. There was literally nothing for me to do but hold on, fight back tears, trust Japanese architecture and my own dumb luck and bank all of my good karma on being alive at the end of it. The quakes kept coming and coming. I kept looking to everyone in authority positions - older people, nurses, doctors, the man at the counter giving me my medicine. In the back of my head, I was screaming, is this normal? this many aftershocks? when will this stop? will this stop? But inevitably, that's not something they'd know, is it? Probably they were just as scared as I was.
I had to put off paying my bill until my next appointment because the hospital's credit card machines were down. I sat down in the hall for a bit next to an old lady and ate a sandwich. I told her, they build these places to last, don't they? She saw my hand shaking, looked like she couldn't decide whether to take it or not. She told me I was very good at seiza, instead. Eventually they started asking for volunteer ambulance drivers. I walked over there, remembered my international driver's license is in my apartment. I hopped on the bus, took it halfway to Shibuya. There were too many cars in the street, we weren't making any progress. I got off a mile or two before my stop. They'd cleared a lane on the road and let pedestrians, hundreds of them, into it, because glass from knocked-out windows had shattered onto the sidewalk. I went into a convenience store when the ground started shaking again and bought a beer. I chugged it in front of the store and then kept walking. Trains out of Shibuya station aren't running, so there were literally thousands of people trapped there. I shoved my way home, up the stairs to my apartment. Turned on the TV and started crying all over again when I saw the damage elsewhere.
This quake was worse than Kobe or Kanto. It was, according to many sources, the worst in Japanese history. But we've learned from that history, especially in Tokyo. In the end I was completely unharmed. A single plate fell off of my kitchen counter where I'd set it. It shattered easily into three pieces - no muss, no fuss. Got an email from the Center confirming that all staff and students are safe. I was completely, totally, unbelievably lucky. If they hadn't replaced all of the TV with news about the damage (which I've kept on in case of alerts) I could close my blinds and pretend that I haven't turned the heater on to save money, that I just don't want to cook with the stove. But the tremors haven't stopped even now. They say we'll have aftershocks into next week. At first I burst into tears every time I felt a tremor. Now I just start trembling. But I haven't really stopped trembling this whole time, to be honest. Every time I hear rattling I jump. I am terrified in a way I can't explain well - like the first time I saw The Ring and for the rest of the month my mind conjured up images of all the ways that could happen to me, but worse. I got two hours of sleep last night - was planning on taking a nap when I got home from the doctor. I doubt I'll sleep tonight. I think - hope - I'll get over this enduring fear. But right now it's like riding it out in the lobby of the Red Cross Shibuya, internal medicine. Holding on. Holding my breath. Reminding myself it couldn't possibly go on forever, that at some point, come what may, it had to end.
Thank you to everyone for your messages and concern. I've never been simultaneously so angry and so thankful for social networking in my life; thankful that I was able to get in touch with everyone so fast, and furious in a bitter, irrational way that in other places life goes on when I feel like mine is at a standstill, even crumbling.
None of it makes any sense. How can scanlations be coming out for series when I'm not sure if the mangaka are safe? How can the dailypixiv tumblr be running when pixiv is down? How can it be that some chick on facebook is updating about her husband giving her flowers when there are so many people who'll never see each other again? How can so many people just be made homeless all at once? How could this have happened? How can it be that there was nowhere I could have run.
Please keep my friend in your thoughts. Keep everyone here in your thoughts. I am just at a loss.
Before I got there, the only thing I knew about Hiroshima was that we had dropped an atomic bomb on it. For me, Hiroshima was that menacing mushroom cloud. I expected it to be a mournful memorial city, perpetually wrapped in gloom, a place where every activity would be dampened and shadowed by the terrible thing that had happened there. I wondered if its residents would despise me, maybe confront me angrily, for having the insensitivity to come to a place where my county had caused so much pain.
But life, as has been noted, goes on. And it has definitely gone on in Hiroshima, which is, on the surface anyway, an ordinary, busy Japanese city, with stores and streetcars and gardens and temples and an old castle for tourists to visit.
The atomic bomb, too, has become a kind of tourist attraction. Visitors get their pictures taken standing in front of various bomb-related sites and memorials; the people - especially the younger ones - are often smiling, sometimes laughing, like tourists standing in front of the World's Largest Ball of Twine.
( We chose to be in Hiroshima on August 5th, the anniversary of the attack... )Dave Barry
Dave Barry Does Japan
Chapter 10: Hiroshima
1992
and you, you could read me anything.
Jun. 26th, 2010 08:48 pmIt's easy to confuse attachment to a place and people, and more subtly, to a language, with patriotism. They may overlap, but they're not the same, contrary to what flag-wavers the world over would have us believe. There are institutions that, intentionally or not, promote such confusion. International athletic competitions are enormously effective. In the 1970s I happened to be in Central Park when the leading runners for the New York City Marathon came in. To my surprise, I found myself moved, nearly to tears, to recognize a Japanese runner in the pack. Some people had rising sun flags. I had nothing to wave. Tardily and inaudibly, I cheered the runner in Japanese. Nearly a decade had passed since the Tokyo Olympics, and I was still thinking of Japanese as underdogs in the world arena. Besides, I missed speaking the language, achingly. For such a miscellany of sensations, the flag is always a convenient, and too often a deadly, simplifier.Norma Field
In the Realm of a Dying Emperor
A Postscript on Japan Bashing
June 1992
my strength has come from loving you.
May. 14th, 2010 09:08 pmRakushun lifted his beady eyes and looked into Yoko's. "I can't figure out why this is such a tough decision for you."
"It's tough, because I can't do what they're asking of me."
"Why not?"
"I know what kind of person I am, incomplete, half-baked, despicable. I'm no king. I'm no one special at all."
"Yoko, I don't think --"
"You say you're half human, Rakushun? Well, so am I. I might look like a person, but inside I'm just a beast."The Twelve Kingdoms: Sea of Shadow
Ono Fuyumi
Heyyy, so as I think I have mentioned a few times in the last couple of weeks, I have been super into shoujo manga for like, absolutely no reason whatsoever, so! Normally I hate shoujo with a burning passion - I don't really know how to explain it to you, but I just am not particularly interested in feelings and relationships and blah blah blah when these people could be punching each other instead!! So I guess consider this my list of shoujo series a shoujo-hater loves, I guess.
( listed in order from least pressing that you read it down to favorite. all plot summaries ganked directly from wiki, so don't blame me if they suck. )
Whew!!! Hopefully you found something that looks interesting on this list. I have plans for another rec post (entitled "Jump Series You Should Read Instead Of Wasting Your Time On Reborn"), but as of now I'm gonna go eat some dinner
( listed in order from least pressing that you read it down to favorite. all plot summaries ganked directly from wiki, so don't blame me if they suck. )
Whew!!! Hopefully you found something that looks interesting on this list. I have plans for another rec post (entitled "Jump Series You Should Read Instead Of Wasting Your Time On Reborn"), but as of now I'm gonna go eat some dinner
cheers to the miles it took to get here.
Nov. 21st, 2009 04:55 pm"It was mid-October when the teacher singled me out, saying, 'Every day spent with you is like having a cesarean section.' And it struck me that, for the first time since arriving in France, I could understand every word that someone was saying.
Understanding doesn’t mean that you can suddenly speak the language. Far from it. It’s a small step, nothing more, yet its rewards are intoxicating and deceptive. The teacher continued her diatribe and I settled back, bathing in the subtle beauty of each new curse and insult.
'You exhaust me with your foolishness and reward my efforts with nothing but pain, do you understand me?'
The world opened up, and it was with great joy that I responded, 'I know the thing that you speak exact now. Talk me more, you, plus, please, plus.'"David Sedaris
Me Talk Pretty One Day
RA-I-DOU!! RA-I-DOU!!!
Sep. 3rd, 2009 12:34 pm
( DRAMA CD: DEVIL SUMMONER RAIDOU KUZUNOHA VS THE ONE-EYED GOD, VOLUME ONE )
>>MEGAUPLOAD MIRROR<<
I don't know any of the Megaten communities and I've no idea where to post this so if you know someone who wants this thing send 'em here.
